{"id":27670,"date":"2023-06-16T08:00:08","date_gmt":"2023-06-16T07:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/research.reading.ac.uk\/research-blog\/?p=27670"},"modified":"2023-06-16T15:02:06","modified_gmt":"2023-06-16T14:02:06","slug":"how-to-navigate-difficult-conversations-with-your-teenager","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/research.reading.ac.uk\/research-blog\/2023\/06\/16\/how-to-navigate-difficult-conversations-with-your-teenager\/","title":{"rendered":"How to navigate difficult conversations with your teenager"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Important conversations with teenagers are among the biggest\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S2352250X1630135X?casa_token=rFl4YOv2OF4AAAAA:WJaOg5uUsgZOCgMtOQ2SZ-EmDszH7VHY7mKvr-g09l2HoXQXwZAepQq3Fm0sWFaswGL9GvmuCQo\">challenges of parenting<\/a>. They can feel like walking a tightrope. Lean too much \u2013 or too little \u2013 into commands and restrictions and you\u2019re likely to tip over.[\/vc_column_text][vc_single_image image=&#8221;27671&#8243; img_size=&#8221;full&#8221;][vc_column_text]In preparation for writing this article, I asked my daughter for her advice to parents of teens. Her response was that \u201cteens can get frustrated if you don\u2019t listen properly, or say one thing but do another. Think about what you say long before you say it to a teen.\u201d Her intuition was surprisingly aligned with research findings (and I suspect it was a message from her to me as well).<\/p>\n<p>Conversations with teens are difficult for a number of reasons. First of all, adolescence is a time when young people\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S0273229799904835\">develop their own identities<\/a>. To try out different parts of those identities they\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.jstor.org\/stable\/1130361?casa_token=h6CdhSHbkIsAAAAA%3AS8kAYuPV5JdThkfyU1Un4f2zmmWQ5vcB1sgDGyEln63AQ_raNzg4idwnJ4rG34-0pth2FN-lRgT0vGIAOodJYhfOV4JsMC1WLpgTD3AXLSLC17gK3kBZ\">make more decisions<\/a>\u00a0without their parents, some of which can be\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/profile\/Lawrence-Cohn\/publication\/15556818_Risk-Perception_Differences_Between_Adolescents_and_Adults\/links\/53eb77d20cf202d087ccea8d\/Risk-Perception-Differences-Between-Adolescents-and-Adults.pdf\">quite risky<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>But teens are still dependent on parents and seek their love and approval \u2013 even if they don\u2019t want to admit it. Conversations that\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/pdf\/10.1006\/jado.1998.0155?casa_token=Os8T58cvDv8AAAAA:lzxq7WYhd9buUWVNFPaVl563bcWgo929kKk0-s-gyAggWLXMfi4GJck3XI5uWArUBEXWvFUIDSZKsohr\">meet these complex needs<\/a>\u00a0often require flexibility, responsiveness and patience. Researchers are still learning about how parents can best support their teenagers\u2019 needs, but studies conducted so far point to some key things to keep in mind.<\/p>\n<h2>Talk about tricky topics often<\/h2>\n<p>Talk to your teenager, often and with interest. Engage them on topics that matter to them. When teens feel they can talk to non-judgmental parents about important topics\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S0140197108000626?casa_token=Q4mo3TLDsbgAAAAA:P1a4z2AXU2VsPpAPK7-OF0IQwjzygUwr5YsIi6aNCjlHVD8LqCo8Q4lEAl3AQ-szIZG4tGFS_Xc\">they open up more<\/a>. Along with the quality of conversation, the frequency also matters. Initiating more frequent conversations will\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/BF01537077\">help teens<\/a>\u00a0share more.<\/p>\n<p>To prepare for the conversation, it helps to set your mind towards taking an\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/papyrus.bib.umontreal.ca\/xmlui\/bitstream\/handle\/1866\/22373\/AS%20parenting%202008%20post_public.pdf?sequence=1\">interest in, valuing, and trusting<\/a>\u00a0your teenager even before starting a difficult conversation.<\/p>\n<h2>Listen with love<\/h2>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S0022096521000965?casa_token=rGd1Wfed2dwAAAAA:cVQ0NU__mEk1dqQ20XxWLBCiReBUrHSoxPGYEmfBdVFdsOYKX54C-9pL1P2d-yc5eoNXmH_FHy8\">My own research<\/a>\u00a0shows that high-quality listening on your part can improve wellbeing in teenagers and lead them to be willing to share more in the future.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/compass.onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/pdf\/10.1111\/spc3.12651\">Listening well<\/a>\u00a0involves attending carefully to what your teenager says, attempting to understand issues from their perspective and conveying that you value and love them \u2013 even if you may not necessarily value what they\u2019ve done or what they say.<\/p>\n<p>Listening does not require parents to agree to requests without good reason. At the start of the conversation, you can explain the difference between wanting to understand and being willing to accommodate your teen.<\/p>\n<h2>Explain your reasoning<\/h2>\n<p>Listening is not always enough, and parents are called to respond to, or direct, their child\u2019s actions. The\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/papyrus.bib.umontreal.ca\/xmlui\/bitstream\/handle\/1866\/22373\/AS%20parenting%202008%20post_public.pdf?sequence=1\">way you do this<\/a>\u00a0can help teenagers understand the importance of a request beyond their parent\u2019s whim.<\/p>\n<p>For example, a parent can give a command: \u201cYou have to put down your phone now!\u201d Or, they could give a request with explanation: \u201cIt\u2019s important to put the phone down now that we\u2019re having family time so we can connect.\u201d Explaining decisions and making requests may not protect you from teenage protests, but doing so conveys your values and allows your teenager to make a choice about their behaviour. This ultimately helps teenagers to internalise or\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/psycnet.apa.org\/record\/2009-09998-008\">buy into parental rules and norms<\/a>.<\/p>\n<h2>Think about tone of voice<\/h2>\n<p>Not just what parents say, but how they say it, matters.\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/orca.cardiff.ac.uk\/id\/eprint\/125529\/1\/Weinstein.%20Listen%20to%20your%20mother.pdf\">My research<\/a>\u00a0shows that warm, inviting and soft tones of voice are better received by adolescents, who report that that a supportive tone of voice helps them to get on board with parental messages, feel positive emotions and experience a sense of connection with parents.<\/p>\n<p>In contrast,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/bpspsychub.onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/pdf\/10.1111\/bjep.12567\">pressuring tones of voice can alienate young people<\/a>\u00a0and undermine efforts to communicate effectively for positive change.<\/p>\n<h2>Think about your own wellbeing<\/h2>\n<p>Listening well, and using ideal tones of voice and words to convey messages to teens, may be difficult when parents are\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/idp.springer.com\/authorize\/casa?redirect_uri=https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10826-019-01428-2&amp;casa_token=DSjGFex0In4AAAAA:0rWbm5h21sWygjrP9yMsg-z64YNrO6N6B29fCRTNZDrUmw0DIiLYvLABwttQ9W1pamLeBBfW5wz2hkPomA\">exhausted<\/a>,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.researchgate.net\/profile\/Wendy-Grolnick\/publication\/11551931_Antecedents_and_Consequences_of_Mothers%27_Autonomy_Support_An_Experimental_Investigation\/links\/02bfe510c100f9ec11000000\/Antecedents-and-Consequences-of-Mothers-Autonomy-Support-An-Experimental-Investigation.pdf\">under pressure<\/a>, or have been dealing with\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s10964-020-01309-8\">difficult behaviour from their children<\/a>. Parents and children both benefit when these conversations take place after a good rest, or at least a deep breath. It may help to track your own mood, and step away from a conversation when you are not in the right headspace.<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s also important to watch out for your own feelings of\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/pdf\/10.1177\/0272431612449385?casa_token=Ii6Bnf8SE0oAAAAA:xkV79X8nPO2b4ejLbGrKjK3SXl_3cr-Kt95lQQbNPW-J9VsKJ4lxBpfaOZclAo8R6gBypKIwoP4OEw\">threat and fear<\/a>\u00a0during conversations, because these can get in the way of being responsive, loving, and still firm \u2013 as needed \u2013 when things get tough.<\/p>\n<h2>Understand that a conversation can\u2019t solve everything<\/h2>\n<p>Adolescents are on\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/books.google.co.uk\/books?hl=en&amp;lr=&amp;id=xcB8R9DVOUwC&amp;oi=fnd&amp;pg=PA1&amp;dq=limits+of+parental+control+over+behavior&amp;ots=HSUAP0u3oE&amp;sig=sE0Ad1jKH1vyo6yMq8rBknYCb1s&amp;redir_esc=y#v=onepage&amp;q=limits%20of%20parental%20control%20over%20behavior&amp;f=false\">their own journeys to growing<\/a>, and often these journeys are influenced by some, often complex,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sciencedirect.com\/science\/article\/pii\/S0306460305000961?casa_token=lJAF5rNPdJkAAAAA:XyCr4PDKDAqqgoSj8shJ6e6NxvRyk8mqSFc6x8IAHYH38LKAoPPNt7bItgXthZQzubp4L6a0l9E\">personality<\/a>\u00a0factors,\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/content\/pdf\/10.1023\/A:1015493316865.pdf\">peer influence<\/a>, and\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/jamanetwork.com\/journals\/jamapediatrics\/article-abstract\/203918\">mental health difficulties<\/a>. Parents certainly have the power to\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/pdf\/10.1177\/0265407517705228?casa_token=U6IP7V_EgnIAAAAA:0B2NhmworQZAWdTv_M9WWFlg--dvyseH3TuvX2sgfZ3Mw2oBdpj9YJtzZzx_EVTHcDrE7lnrLdaIVg\">encourage teenagers<\/a>\u00a0to talk about issues affecting them and promote their\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/journals.sagepub.com\/doi\/pdf\/10.1177\/0022022101032005006?casa_token=K_PWmn_6eW4AAAAA:EzmcRnIkSSkStpwPnRyyTIxyjRDnwMJckTHHaiDvM1tAFeYrmq99Tj6PVbHn1bgTSvBTXYSuN0e31A\">wellbeing<\/a>, but parents also deserve to have\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/link.springer.com\/article\/10.1007\/s12671-020-01401-x\">compassion for themselves<\/a>\u00a0as well as for their teens. They don\u2019t have infinite power; doing their very best might just have to be enough.[\/vc_column_text][\/vc_column][\/vc_row]<\/p>\n<p><span class=\"fn author-name\"><a href=\"https:\/\/www.reading.ac.uk\/pcls\/staff\/netta-weinstein\">Netta Weinstein<\/a> is a <\/span>Professor in the School of Psychology at the University of Reading. This article is republished from <a href=\"https:\/\/theconversation.com\/how-to-navigate-difficult-conversations-with-your-teenager-203999\">The Conversation<\/a> under a Creative Commons licence.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Important conversations with teenagers are among the biggest challenges of parenting. They can feel like walking a tightrope. Lean too much \u2013 or too little \u2013 into commands and restrictions and you\u2019re likely to tip over.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":276,"featured_media":27671,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"__cvm_playback_settings":[],"__cvm_video_id":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[1785],"tags":[170,2277,2407,723,2405],"class_list":["post-27670","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-agriculture-food-and-health","tag-child-psychology","tag-feature","tag-listening","tag-psychology","tag-teenagers"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.8.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>How to navigate difficult conversations with your teenager - Connecting Research<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Important conversations with teenagers are among the biggest challenges of parenting. 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